Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
