the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
