Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
