we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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