I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
