Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
