I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
