if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
