I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
