Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
