theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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