I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
it's like iHOP with fire
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
