FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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