He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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