a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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