I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
