I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
