Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
