If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
