She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It's rum buckets o'clock
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
