yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
