i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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