Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
