she woke up with a sticky ear
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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