my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
