on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
