The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
