I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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