My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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