There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
