I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Vodka?
Forever.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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