i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
