i need an iv and a liver transplant
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
