My sheets look like a crime scene.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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