girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Randomize
