Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
