Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Why is your signature on my underwear?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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