Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
