just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
