I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
