they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
