Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
