I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
