nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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