For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I enjoy the company of your penis
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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