someone threw a dead crab at me
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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