So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
it hurts more in the daytime
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
what day is it and did you see me today?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
