please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
