you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
