Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
