I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
