She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
