I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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